Dr. Kristie Overstreet contributes to what to do when the sex is bad.
Article by Carleigh Ferrante for The EveryGirl.
So, you’ve gone through all of the hard work of landing the dates, now as things build-up, so do your expectations.
You’ve got an idea of how intimacy will be, but what happens when the sex is bad?
Here’s what to do
Dr. Overstreet suggested avoiding this common mistake by talking to your partner before you have sex. “Ask your partner what they define as intimacy, what they like, and what they don’t like,” she advised. Take note of how comfortable they are talking about the subject. This is also a great time to get clear on your expectations for the relationship. Dr. Overstreet said a huge factor in post-sex anxiety is the two people having different expectations for the outcome.
Dr. Overstreet said there’s a lot you can learn about how someone will be in bed based on their non-verbal cues leading up to it. “Gauge the amount of physical interaction before sex: hand squeezes, kissing, touching.”
Every (good) partner is going to want to please you, so why not help them do it? Dr. Overstreet suggested, “giving direction and guidance and including compliments along the way.” Tell your partner you like what they’re doing or what you would love for them to do. If something feels good, tell them. And again, if you don’t feel comfortable being verbal during sex, use non-verbal cues.
An echoing theme in Dr. Overstreet’s advice is that everyone is different, so everyone is going to have varying sexual wants and needs. A partner may react badly to criticism by saying they’ve never had complaints before, but Dr. Overstreet said we need to “normalize the differences” when it comes to sexual desires and experiences. It is almost always less about “bad” sex and more about poor communication.
If we fail to communicate what we want or have a partner who fails to listen, then the sex isn’t going to be as enjoyable as it could be. I personally have had partners tell me I want too much sex, don’t want enough sex, we don’t have great sex, or we have the best sex ever. Sex is not “one size fits all,” and if we want a good sex life, we need to stop approaching it like it is.
Read the full article at The EveryGirl.
A clinical sexologist and psychotherapist. From sex/intimacy, personal growth, and relationships, I am here to help you every step of the way.